March 2018. Baby Harald was born as our second miracle kid. Even though the doctors said that fertility after cancer is a tough cookie.
It was the best Friday in my life when this little prince came into our life. Harald is the second of our two impossible miracles. Erik is the first born. The very same miracles that the doctors said would never happen.
But I proved them wrong.
Probably Never Pregnant
When you have been through cancer and chemo your body don’t work the way it used to do. And it never will. I won the battle against cancer and the right to stay alive. But cancer left me with quite some scars.
A grey Wednesday in October more than five years ago I asked the doctor:
“How about getting kids after cancer? Has the chemo affected my fertility?”
He took of his glasses in the way that doctors often take of their glasses before saying something seriously. :
“Many cancer survivors are facing fertility problems after their treatments. “You will probably never be pregnant.”
How Bad Was It?
The next days I spend discussing with myself: Okay, I had survived cancer. Now, I also had to deal with this? That wasn’t fair!
On the other hand; how bad was this message? After all, it could have been worse. Cancer wasn’t back or anything.
How Far Would We Go To Become A Family?
We began talking about alternatives. About insemination. About adoption. But we already knew quite a few couples who had been through years of baby battle, and it had been tough for their marriages. We didn’t want to risk “us”.
So, how far would we go to become a family?
I Never Cared About My Fertility – Until I Lost It
The ironic thing was that I had actually never dreamed about becoming a mother. Never. I am not one of those who have written down baby names since I was a little girl. I had never imagined myself with a big baby stomach. And I have been just fine without holding other people’s babies. To be completely honest; other people’s babies and other people’s dogs had never had my sincere interest or focus. Not that I didn’t like babies. I just never longed to get one myself.
Until that grey Wednesday in October.
You never really know what you have, until you loose it. It’s such a cliché. But still so true. I never cared about my fertility – until I lost it.
The One Thing We Didn’t Talk About
We went to all kinds of info meetings about fertility and helt. We spend evening after evening in auditoriums where experts told us about processes, prices and results. We sat next to all the couples who no longer held each other’s hands. And we looked at each other and promised ourselves that we would never become them.
One thing we didn’t talk about was guilt.
Never ever did my husband look at me in a way that could make me feel like it was my fault. Allthough it was my body that didn’t work optimal. Never ever did he say anything that made me feel guilty. And that made a big difference.
Nobody Said Anything About Fertility Risk
I was sixteen when I was diagnosed with Ewing’s Sarcoma in 2002. I had had the symptoms for about a year when the doctors found out that the pain in my right leg wasn’t growing pains or pains from doing too much sports. It was cancer.
When the big C became a reality everything happened so fast. It was straight to treatment. There was no time to talk, not even about fertility, let alone freezing down some of my eggs. I never had that talk. The fertility talk. No doctor or nurse said anything to me about potential fertility risks.
Until that rainy Wednesday in October.
One and a half month after the depressing message from the doctor the impossible happened. I was pregnant. Without any help. And three years later it happened again.
Cancer came out of the blue. But so did my two miracle kids. I call it balance.
Happy one year birthday, Harald. Every time I look at you and Erik, you remind me that I’m living life after cancer.
Want to read more about my life during cancer? Get your free sample chapter of “Willpower Girl – A Teenagers Trek Through Cancer” her.